Flawed Read online

  “Well, I’m glad you saw me then.”

  “Are you?” I say, my tone serious.

  She sighs and pulls her hair free from the fabric tie, avoiding the topic. I don’t push her. I deserve what I get. And I remind myself I’m only here for a visit, not to win her back. I only wanted to ensure she’s okay. But who the fuck am I kidding? I can’t lie to myself while I’m sitting with her. I want her more than I ever have. She’s a woman now, with perky, round breasts and a gently rounded ass just big enough to cup in my hands. Her lips take on a deeper shade of pink as she licks them. And I’m a man who hasn’t been touched by a woman in so long I might as well be a born again virgin.

  She shakes out her blonde hair and it falls in waves over her shoulders and back and I want to run my hands through it, to grab it while I kiss her neck and pull her into my lap. I’ve never wanted anything more than I want her right now. And she seems indifferent. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

  “How long have you worked here?” I ask.

  She shrugs, scrunching up her face. “Since I graduated.” She sighs, almost with resigned defeat. “I know it’s not what I planned, but life gets in the way sometimes, you know?”

  “I hear that.” I run my fingers over the rim of my cup. “I never thought I’d be starting over at twenty-four.”

  “And you’re going to do that here? In Farnham Cross?”

  “Where else would I go?”

  “I suppose. It’s going to take some time to get used to seeing you around again.”

  “It’s going to take some time getting used to being here. Everything in jail was so routine…so monotonous. I don’t even know what to do with myself. Like what do I do when I get up tomorrow?”

  “Make breakfast?” she offers.

  I chuckle lightly. “Make breakfast. Yeah, I could do that.” We sit in silence a moment while I stare at her purse on the counter. At least I think it’s hers. Red leather with a metal sunflower key chain attached to the zipper. It reminds me of playing hide and seek at night with her in the sunflower fields a mile down the road from our high school. She’d never try hard to conceal herself. She wanted to get caught. Each time I’d find her, I’d tackle her and climb on top of her, kiss her soft lips before rolling off of her and holding her hand while we looked up at the night sky.

  “Earlier, what did you mean when you said life got in the way?” I ask.

  “Well, I graduated from high school. Got into Ryerson and McGill and I couldn’t afford the tuition. A student loan just wasn’t enough. So I thought I’d take a year off to work and go the next year, but then Mom got sick and she went downhill so quickly. After she died,” she forces a smile and shrugs, “I just couldn’t leave Jack.”

  “Jack,” I parrot. I haven’t thought about him in a while. He’s three or four years younger than me; he was a freshman in high school when I was a senior. When I last saw him, he was quiet and reserved. Scrawny. Every time I came across him, he had his head down or was in a corner by himself.

  “He’s quite the handful now.”

  “Really? He’s an adult, right? He makes his own choices and he has to live with them.”

  She shrugs. “If only it was that easy. I told Mom I’d watch over him.”

  Her eyes are glossy, though she holds a small smile.

  “So you won’t leave because of your promise?”

  “I don’t know. One day I’ll go, I guess.”

  “Med school?” She was always smart, the kind of person who took care of others. And I still remember her curling the top corner of her bio exam in senior year so people around her couldn’t see her mark, as if she was ashamed of it. I could just barely make out the two zeros when I tipped my head to the side. I wasn’t jealous, though. I was proud. She was beautiful and smart and kind and she was all mine.

  “Maybe. I don’t know. Thinking about another eight years of school doesn’t sound as appealing as it did six years ago.”

  “And you never married?” I hold my breath, almost praying she won’t answer. But I have to believe Vik would have warned me no matter how much I told him I didn’t want to know about her love life.

  Instead of giving me an answer, she stands and walks behind the counter to pour herself another coffee. She holds the pot out to me, the pot slightly tipped as if waiting for me to hold out my mug, but I shake my head. Then I change my mind. I don’t want to leave anytime soon and another cup gives me a reason to linger.

  “I know I have no right to ask about your life,” I tell her.

  “No, you don’t. But you don’t care, do you?”

  “I should. You’re right about that.” I pause, not sure where I’m going with this. My head is telling me to leave, but I’m rooted to this round leather stool. My head isn’t in control anymore. “I thought about you a lot when I was in jail,” I say quietly.

  “I’ll bet.”

  I reach for her hand but she pulls away, like I might burn her. Then her face changes. Her warm eyes turn cold and frown lines collect on her forehead. She’s angry, but mixed in with her anger is pain. Her breath comes out shaky as her narrowed eyes glaze over.

  “You and me…that was a long time ago. We were kids and things are really different now,” she says.

  “You’re mad because of how I ended things?”

  “Get over yourself, Niko. I barely think about you at all anymore.” She picks up a cloth and slaps it down on the counter, furiously scrubbing at an imperfection in the wood that is likely never going to polish out.

  I stare at her, trying my hardest not to be upset that she’s lashing out. I know I deserve it. My grandmother always taught me to take the licks you deserve and I definitely deserve this. I massage the back of my neck and try to find the right words to squash the tension that fills the air like a wet blanket. “I don’t know why I came.”

  “Yeah, you do. But you’re not going to tell me.” She curls the cloth into a tight fist and suds break through the space between her fingers. “I couldn’t get you to tell me what was on your mind in high school, and I don’t expect things to be different now.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Exactly what I said. Why wouldn’t you see me? Why wouldn’t you return my calls? Was I just a girl you wanted to break up with and never see again? Did I mean that little to you?”

  I open my mouth to respond but she holds up a hand to cut me off.

  “You even sent my letters back. You couldn’t be bothered to read them! So, I’m not sure what you want from me now. You can’t just show up and act like nothing happened. Like we’re still friends.”

  I hang my head, unable to watch the hurt in her eyes. “I know I fucked up.”

  “Fucked up?” She tosses her hands up before dropping them to her sides. Her shoulders slump, like she’s giving up. “You’re unbelievable. You hurt me. You destroyed me. And I waited for you, still, even after you completely cut me from your life.” She shakes her head and firmly says, “No, this isn’t happening. I was kid when we were together. We were together for like five minutes. Things are different now. They can’t go back. Not ever.”

  “I know that, but it’s just…the only person I wanted to lay eyes on when I got out was you. I know that’s not fair…but it’s the truth.”

  She looks away from me before returning to cleaning, scrubbing harder than before, in wide circles. “There’s nothing you can say to make me forget how bad you hurt me. I can forgive you. I’m happy you’re out and you’re okay. But this?” she points back and forth between us, “This isn’t happening. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I’ve moved on and now that you’re out I suggest you do the same.”

  I nod and finish off the rest of my coffee. As she sucks on her lip and steels herself, her eyes grow icy. I feel a wrenching in my gut. The only person I never wanted to hurt and I’ve gone and hurt her, again. I thought I was doing right by her when I let her go. I thought I would save her years of misery. Now as I look at her, trembling, I know I didn’t sa
ve her. I only made her hurt worse. And that’s a fucking awful demon to wrestle with when you’re staring into the eyes of the only woman you’ve ever loved.

  3

  IVY: “What’s wrong with you?” May says.

  I stand by the cash register at Main Street Diner, staring off into outer space. It’s been a week since a ghost walked back into my life. A ghost I never expected to see again, and still my thoughts wander to Niko throughout the day. I love him. So much, I thought I was going to die from a broken heart when he pushed me away. But I can’t hate him for that. No. I never could. He meant too much. And after he lost his sister, he wasn’t right. Her death was the stuff of nightmares. Set ablaze while she was still alive and conscious. My heart breaks for him. Other than me and Claire, I’m not sure anyone else has ever shown him love or tenderness. His father was evil and his mother was never warm the few times I met her. She talked to him like he was a boarder in her house. Niko needs someone right now. But as much as I want to be that person, I can’t let myself. He hurt me so much and I worry he’ll do it again. I won’t survive it.

  I shake my head and fall back to Earth, smiling in embarrassment. The diner is busy and I don’t have time for distractions. If only I could concentrate on what I’m supposed to be doing instead of worrying about everything else.

  “Sorry, I’m just a little tired.” I replace the coffee grounds and slide the filter into the machine before wiping the pieces that fell onto the counter onto my hand before dumping them in the trash.

  “I know the feeling. The lunch rush is over and this little guy is making me so hungry I want to throw up.” May puts a hand over her gently rounded tummy and caresses it with her thumb. She’s almost five months pregnant with her first child. And she’s perhaps the cutest pregnant lady I’ve ever met. Short and tiny with a basketball belly and rosy cherub cheeks. We’ve been friends since she started working here almost eleven months ago. She’s older than me by more than ten years but it doesn’t feel that way. She’s easy to talk to, and if I need girl time, I often go to her.

  “Oh my God,” I say quickly, touching her arm. “Why don’t you go to break first?” I’m such a jerk for not noticing earlier.

  “Sure?” She makes a pouty face. “I’ll feel bad because you’re always giving in to me, but I swear I’m about to eat my shoe.”

  “Of course,” I say, grinning. “Go.”

  She walks away, a little wobble to her steps and it makes me smile even harder. Too cute. She’s a lucky girl and she knows it, appreciating every moment of her life. She has a husband—her high school sweetheart. They wed last March and she got pregnant soon after. She loves him as fiercely as she did in high school. And that makes me think of my own high school sweetheart. The guy who promised to marry me one day, but who got thrown in jail for an ugly situation that forever devastated this town and his family.

  Would we have ended up this way? I would have loved him forever and I thought he felt the same…until he refused any contact with me. Now he comes back, asks me if I’m married, and then disappears again? I know I told him I wasn’t interested, but part of me didn’t mean it. Part of me feels for him, for losing his sister so horrifically. I always wondered if he shut me out because his pain was too great. I wanted that to be true. Because, otherwise, I have to believe he ended things because our relationship got difficult and I wasn’t worth the effort. He certainly gave up easily last week.

  “Ivy!” A booming voice breaks me from my daze.

  The cook is at the pass-through window, holding a plate out to me for one of my tables. I thank him and take it to table five. Two older ladies sit there. The town gossips. I try to avoid chatting with them as much as possible, for obvious reasons, yet they come here almost every single damned day. And every day since Niko showed up, I’ve had to listen to them talk about him.

  “Thank you,” says Agnes. “Just some salt and pepper and I’ll be set.”

  I snatch some from a nearby empty table and set it near her plate. As I’m leaving them, Agnes calls out my name.

  “I saw that boy again yesterday,” she says.

  I sigh and turn on my heel to face her, force a smile.

  “He was buying a paper at Norah’s Café. And when I walked by his table I saw him circling an ad.” She readjusts her glasses on the bridge of her nose. “I’m sure it was for a job. I couldn’t make out where, though, but wouldn’t that be something if he ended up working here?” She smiles wide and there’s a green piece of food stuck to her incisor.

  “Oh, good God, no.” Darlene lowers her voice. “I couldn’t eat anything served by a criminal. Who knows where those hands have been?” Her eyes widen and I’m not sure where she’s going with that, but I don’t have time to ask. And I’m really not interested, anyway.

  “Good talk,” I say, touching Agnes’s shoulder. I grin at her before turning and rolling my eyes. Then I move on to another couple who comes in almost as much. They always order the same exact thing, but every time, they make a big production of looking over the menu and humming and hahhing over the possibility of having something different.

  “I don’t know,” Grace says. “Maybe I’ll try the lasagna today.”

  Or the steak and onions and fries. I put my pencil up to my pad and tap the blank page, waiting. She stares at me, and to appease her, I write it down.

  “And I think I’ll have some poutine,” her boyfriend Chuck says. “But with pulled pork today.”

  “Sure thing,” I say. “And to drink?”

  Grace flips the menu over and sighs.

  “How about I give you a minute?”

  “No, we don’t need a minute,” she says. “You know what, I’ll have the steak and onions and a Coke.” She closes her menu and hands it to me.

  “And I change my mind,” Chuck says. “I’ll have just the plain poutine. But maybe with stuffing on top.” He hands me his menu. “And just water for me.”

  “Sounds great,” I say with a smile.

  I turn to the kitchen, ripping the order off my pad. My feet are killing me. Pretty soon, I’m going to have to buy some new shoes with better soles.

  “Excuse me, dear,” Agnes says as I pass her again.

  I stop and smile. God help me. What now?

  “Can I get some ketchup?”

  “Of course.” I grab her a bottle from one of the adjacent tables and continue to the pass-through window. Just as I reach the window, Mike yells, “Order up!”

  I slide my paper into the clip that circles to the back and grab my next order, dropping it on the counter by the cash register where two young kids sit. Then I take payment from another couple and clean up after a group of six leave. Not a dime for a tip and they kept changing their order while their toddler kept throwing her food on the ground. I’ll have to mop early and again at close.

  Sigh.

  “Ivy!” Will holds the back phone from the wall in tight against his chest to muffle his call. “Phone’s for you.”

  “I’m a little busy,” I call out, wiping the sweat from my brow with the back of my arm. “Who is it?”

  He shrugs. “How should I know? Am I a secretary?” Will’s eastern European accent is thick when he gives attitude. I snatch the phone and roll my eyes. Prickly, is what the other people who work here call him. Usually I can shrug him off, but today has been crazy and I don’t have the patience. “Ivy Parker,” I say as I put the cordless in the crook of my neck. I walk back to the front and am pushing through the swinging doors when I hear the voice on the other end.

  “Hey, Ivy. It’s Liam.”

  I turn on my heel and return to the back. “Um…hi?”

  Liam is an officer on the town’s small police force. I went to school with him, too, and we dated once upon a time a few years ago. It didn’t work out, though, for a number of reasons. Though we parted on friendly terms, he wouldn’t call me out of the blue like this, so I have to assume he’s calling about my brother.

  “I’ve got Jack here,” Liam say
s.

  Jack is in trouble again. Since Mom passed, he started hanging around people I don’t care much for. At first, he would just be quiet and not talk to me anymore. Then, after a few months, he started getting in trouble for vandalism and petty theft. Thankfully, people in this town know me and they knew we’d just lost our mother, so they were supportive and okay with letting him off with a warning or paying for damages. But Jack couldn’t pay, so I’ve been giving him what little I have to cover his debts. This would be the first time he’s actually been taken to jail. I knew it was coming, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.

  “What did he do?”

  “I’m sorry to say it’s bad.”

  I sigh into the phone and close my eyes. “Please, just tell me what he did.”

  There is rustling on the other end, like Liam is moving around. The suspense is driving me wild. He can’t know where my imagination takes me.

  “Jack and his buddy stole some pretty expensive equipment from a construction site. And they ran from police when we tried to pick them up earlier.”

  I grip the telephone a little harder and lean back against the wall for support.

  “Look, he’s eighteen now,” Liam says, “And I shouldn’t be calling you like this, but I thought you’d want to know. Didn’t want you to find out from one of your customers.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “He asked me not to call you, so if he asks…you didn’t hear it from me.”

  “Got it.” After shaky sigh, I say, “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

  I hang up the phone, my face feeling flushed, and my heart pumping so hard I can feel it in my neck. What the hell is he doing? When Mom died, I gave myself one night to curl up on my bed and cry. And then I got up in the morning and decided I would be strong for Jack. I had to. I promised her I would, and I also wanted to. I had no one to lean on. I wanted Niko, but he wasn’t there. So I got dressed and started planning her funeral. Jack fell apart and stopped talking to me. Once a friend and a brother, he became more like my child. I didn’t mind, in the beginning, but week after week he keeps pushing harder and harder and I’m not sure how much longer I can cope.